Take me back, take me back
Back to my home, oh, oh…-Stargazer by Rainbow
Rest In Peace Ronnie James Dio

Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow the one and only Phantom Lord and this is my Rant Of The Week. As always I am coming to you from the urban hellhole that is Brooklyn, New York and I don’t know what it is, but lately anytime it rains here it makes everything feel cold. Maybe it’s a sign of the impending ice age some say will start this decade or that El Nino thing is all screwed up. But either way it would be nice for May to feel like May and not like October. It can feel like October when it’s October.

As you see on the top of the column, one of my musical hero’s Ronnie James Dio has passed away at the age 67. Dio was such an amazing singer and it showed in songs like Stargazer, Light In The Black, Catch The Rainbow and so on and so forth. If you’ve never listened to Rainbow, his work with Black Sabbath/Heaven and Hell, or his solo stuff you really should. Dio was a real singer and a real musician. He didn’t need over modulation and autotune to make a song work. It’s sad that so much garbage passes as popular music today when the real good music is always overlooked. Honestly there are not many bands from today that I will even listen to simply because they do not have the timeless quality that so many bands from yesterday have. All I can hope is Ronnie is a better place now and that great jam session in the sky just got a great singer.

In other news, in case you blinked and missed it the Monday Night Wars are over. It was just about six weeks but TNA seeing the writing on the wall and bleeding buckets of money said the hell with it and moved back to Thursdays. Of course TNA will say they listened to the fans feedback. If TNA were really listening to fans feedback they wouldn’t be up shitcreek right now. Hell they might actually be turning a major profit by now if they listened to us the lowly fans. But TNA is where it is because it is run by some of the most stubborn people on the planet. These same people drove WCW into the ground and here they are doing it once again. It’s quite impressive to do the same thing to two different companies in the same industry ten years apart.

But times are tough and TNA needs to cut a shitload of people right now to save a shitload of money since they spent more then a shitload bringing in people like Hogan, Bischoff, RVD, Hardy, Hall, and Anderson. Apparently Dixie Carter just can’t bring herself to fire the 15-20 people that have been put on the chopping block because of the current economy. You know I’ve always said that despite Dixie being a clueless twit when it comes to running a wrestling company, she at least seems like a genuinely nice person. From everything I’ve ever read or heard about the pro wrestling business, someone who is genuinely nice and caring is somewhat rare. Someone always has a motive for his or her actions but with Dixie she really doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

Only problem is with the way the company is run, there might not be a company to employ all these people.

Just looking at the current TNA roster here’s whom I would cut.

Amazing Red, Dr. Stevie, Kioshi, Rob Terry, Orlando Jordan, & Rhino.

Now I like Red, Stevie, Kioshi, and Rhino but times are tough. Besides all of these guys can make more money and be worth more to other Indies out there then sitting around on TNA waiting to be used as cannon fodder. Well in the case of Kioshi he can just go back to Japan and be a star there.

There are six guys right off the top. Firing people is never good, but sometimes it must be done. Now in the cases of Rob Terry and Orlando Jordan I think they should just rid of them because they have no redeeming value. Terry is a giant roid freak who will never be a top guy because if his matches go more then five minutes (entrance included) you will be exposing him big time.

Orlando Jordan is just a giant pile of suck. I get it, the gimmick is supposed to be controversial but it doesn’t work if the person doing it makes you want to change the channel. Goldust made it work because he had the character and talent to pull it off. The same goes for Adorable Adrian Adonis and the inspiration for all of these characters Adrian Street. Orlando Jordan has none of what those guys had. All he has is the work of someone trying to do something controversial and it falls flat every single time.

In the Observer a couple weeks ago there was a report that some of the friends of Chris Kanyon think he might have been pushed over the edge after seeing Orlando Jordan debut his bi-sexual gimmick. Now while there is no proof of this, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities that Chris was watching Impact and he saw Orlando Jordan doing a gimmick that he knew he could do because he had all ready pitched it so many times. All Orlando Jordan gets is groans from the crowd as we can’t believe they are wasting time with this crap. Kanyon had such an electric personality that I have no doubt that if the WWE or TNA gave him a shot to run with being openly gay on television he would have made it work.

Orlando Jordan is pushing back the hope of any gay or bisexual wrestler being over or taken seriously at least a couple of decades. Of course that is par for the course with all things TNA.

We shall see what happens in TNA probably by next week as they just finished wrapping up a month worth of shows in four days. A lot of good people will probably get cut while a lot of people who should be cut end up staying put.

TNA is coming to here to Brooklyn on July 2nd and I hope to be able to go. I am a bit surprised at the choice of a venue though as TNA has booked MCU Park where the Brooklyn Cyclones play in Coney Island. Now I’m sure it will make for some great videos right next to the Parachute Jump and with the Cyclone Rollercoaster and Dino’s Wonder wheel in the background. But it seems so odd for a house show. It might have been a good choice for a huge PPV, but a house show seems odd especially since there were plenty of venues in Brooklyn that could have housed a TNA event. It’s always been said that TNA House shows are like night and day compared to TNA Television and PPV shows. On the house shows they do that wrestling stuff that people seem to like.

TNA could potentially draw a huge crowd for this show and that would be a good thing for them.

Honestly though TNA needs a major overhaul in marketing because knowing them they are just going to rely on word of mouth on the Internet and that will get them only so far. Earlier I was thinking about the marketing situation and one thing came to my mind and that is TNA needs to find a way to hire Shane McMahon. Now I am not talking about Shane as an on air character or anything. TNA and Spike TV should hire him strictly as an executive because he is one of the main reasons the WWE is the media conglomerate that it is today. Now I know this will probably never happened and if it did happen they would hire Shane to be another on-air boss which would just suck. If TNA wants to really succeed they need someone who can market them and get them noticed because what they are doing right now just isn’t working. And the irony is they have the world’s greatest shiller Don West on the payroll and they don’t even use him on television.

Just one small thing of many that TNA does that makes you scratch your head.

Moving along, the WWE has managed to make NXT somewhat interesting again after a few months of them clearly not giving a shit about it. I think we can all agree the NXT concept was hardly revolutionary. They should have honestly just brought back Tough Enough. At least it could have been their version of The Ultimate Fighter. The show now is just a run of the mill WWE show with no reality aspects even though they claimed it would be reality based. I think it’s fair to say they should have never cancelled ECW. ECW as they had it was a perfectly acceptable wrestling program. I think the biggest problem is that it’s on SyFy. See a show like ECW really should be in syndication like Superstars or Wrestling Challenge used to be in my day. But alas that’s a discussion for another column someday. Right now NXT is somewhat interesting again simply because the WWE finally decided to pull the trigger and let Daniel Bryan be Bryan Danielson.

Danielson going off on the system that the WWE has was a thing of greatness and him bitch slapping Michael Cole was tremendous to watch. In the old days Michael Cole probably would have formed a Paul Jones-esq stable full of guys that he would send to take out Danielson. Hell it’s the same principal that has worked in Memphis for so many decades for Jerry Lawler and company. Truth be told if you take an angle like this and throw it onto RAW then it would make for some really compelling television. Danielson breaking away from the “script” and “shooting” makes for fun television. It’s this kind of stuff that NXT should have been doing from the damn start. This is the kind of reality-based programming we are looking for. TNA tries to do this stuff and they usually fail because it’s not so much them being trying to bring reality in, but them just hoping and praying the WWE takes notice to them.

But the Danielson thing was great as he went off on how it should be guys who can make the WWE the most money and he is the best at what he does and he said he was damn sure better then The Miz. William Regal and CM Punk both agreed with that statement.

If we don’t get a Danielson/Miz match then the whole NXT show will have been for nothing. Granted it has given us the awesomeness that is Wade Barrett and proved to us the theory from Time Cop that the same two people cannot occupy the same space at the same time (John Cena and Darren Young aka Black Cena). But if the whole show was just to get Bryan over with the WWE crowds (and he was) and he never faces The Miz then it was all for NOTHING.

Honestly if this stuff were the kind of sports entertainment the WWE was doing then I’m sure a lot more of us the men in the audience who have to sit through John Cena would have no problem with things being PG. Personally I have no problem with PG. There are just things I would do differently to keep the attention of the only demographic that matters and that’s the male demo of 18-35 year olds. More and more of us are switching to MMA (specifically UFC) and it’s simply because the vast majority of what the WWE does is predictable and boring. Now like I said the stuff with Danielson has been interesting. So has the great feud on Smackdown with CM Punk and Rey Mysterio. Jack Swagger vs. The Big Show is another feud that I hope will continue past the PPV this weekend because it’s been so fun so far.

I can accept that PG is here to say for the foreseeable future. They claim it’s because of sponsors, but in reality it’s just for Linda McMahon’s Senate run (which I will get to later). But just because everything has to be PG it doesn’t mean it has to be boring and predictable. If the WWE took the formula for Smackdown and applied it to RAW things would be pretty good. Granted we would have to still sit through the Cenation but at least we’d get some good television out of it.

Now the only thing I have against TV PG is the lack of blood. Blood has always been an integral part of wrestling. I am not saying every match needs blood for the sake of blood, but a little blood once in a while won’t kill anyone. It’s really stupid to see the WWE stop matches and patch guys up if they have a split lip or a paper cut over the eye. Sadly though this is the direction the WWE wants to go. I could understand the reasoning for no blood if it were for health concerns. But since I am guessing HIV and stuff like Staph are not a huge problem for the WWE it really wouldn’t hurt if once in a while especially in cage matches if there was some blood.

There probably won’t be any intentional blood for a long time to come (or at least till all the Cena marks hit puberty and McMahon changes the product to cater to all those horny teens). There was an interesting interview with the Chief Operating Officer of the WWE Donna Goldsmith. TNA must have been giddy since the WWE mentioned them (even though the WWE completely buried them).

These are interview highlights from the JP Morgan Global Technology, Media and Telecom Conference.

WWE might not publicly acknowledge the existence of TNA Wrestling on official WWE programming, but WWE is aware of TNA’s programming on Spike TV.

Goldsmith said they’ve had potential partners come back and want to work with WWE, including 7-Eleven with another summer promotion and Burger King with a “global Kid’s Meal program” for the first-time ever.

I wouldn’t call TNA’s product Blood, Guts, and Gore. They haven’t quite lowered themselves to the level of say Big Japan where every other match involved light tubes and barbwire…though I wouldn’t be surprised if that did happen some day. Going PG is making them more money, but you know what else would make the WWE money? Not having a boring and predictable show.

The thing the WWE needs to realize though as much as they call themselves sports entertainment, as long as there is that second W in the name they will always be a lowly wrestling company to the vast majority of people. Oh sure you can try and have “mainstream appeal” but it’s always been a pipe dream to think that the mainstream will ever accept anything McMahon does as anything but lowly wrestling. Don’t get me wrong; I am a capitalist through and through so I am all about making money. If the WWE is able to make a profit in this God forsaken economy then more power to them. The fact remains things are boring and predictable and they will be for a long time to come for one simple reason and that’s because Vince thinks he has no competition.

Vince and the WWE hierarchy have delude themselves into thinking MMA is not competition. I’m not even going to mention TNA as competition because they aren’t. The UFC whether Vince will admit it or not is the WWE’s competition and they have continually dominated and destroyed the WWE buyrate wise month after month in PPV’s which is the only real number that counts.

UFC can get away with charging $44.95 a PPV because they build the hell out of their fights. Jim Cornette said it best a while back in an interview he did when he said UFC books their shows like wrestling used to in the 70’s and early 80’s. Even the shows that many consider to be throwaway’s end up having fights that make it worth the price of ordering. Sure some PPV’s have stinkers, but name any PPV that doesn’t have at least one stinker on it.

But for those of you who think the WWE has sucked ever since TV 14 went away, there’s more bad news for you potentially on the horizon.

Now if you think that’s bad…

WWE COO Donna Goldsmith said yesterday at the JP Morgan Global Technology, Media and Telecom Conference that WWE is talking with Nickelodeon about bringing an animated TV series to the network.

Goldsmith said McMahon suggested a nostalgia or Legends program.

Yep it’s coming full circle folks. It’s 1985 all over again and Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling is going to make a comeback. Now I’m sure if something as horrible as a modern WWE Cartoon ever happened it would be a great marketing tool for the WWE. But I’m just horrified at the thought of how the animation is going to look. I am very old school when it comes to cartoons. When it comes to perfectly drawn cartoons they don’t get any better then Looney Toons or Hanna–Barbera cartoons. Hell the last great animated cartoon at least for my generation (in my mind) had to between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The X-Men or Batman: The Animated Series.

I’m not a fan of the kind of animation Nickelodeon has on their network now. If it’s not computer then it’s really horrible exaggerated drawing. I can’t imagine the WWE would go out of their way to get really good animation if a cartoon series ever did happen. Iron Man: Armored Adventures is pretty good on Nicktoons (where I would imagine a WWE inspired show would land) so if they got that animation house to do it then visually speaking it wouldn’t be bad. Story wise I can just imagine how horrible it would be. John Cena overcoming even more odds. Just put him in a blue suit and red cape and make the transformation complete.

Stuff like this is great to get the younger audience. But the older audiences are the ones who have to sit through everything so the younger audience can watch and as I mentioned before, the older audience…mainly the male demo are leaving the WWE and wrestling in general for MMA.
I have a funny feeling USA along with the WWE have spent money on focus groups to see what we men want. They probably took one look at those results as most companies do and decided the audience doesn’t know what they want so they’ll watch what we give them and like it. It’s that attitude that is the main reason RAW is so hit or miss to the fans. Sure some stuff is great, but the rest of it falls flat. And make no mistake, when the WWE talks about losing fans they are talking about RAW. RAW is the flagship of the company and it dictates how the ship sails so to speak. It’s funny to think that all McMahon can think of to get old fans back is more nostalgia.

From a nostalgia standpoint it was special to see Bret Hart win the United States championship in Toronto. I have no idea where they are going with this because Bret cannot do much except the Sharpshooter. But you know what? When Bret locked it on and he held up that belt for a small moment it felt like the way things used to be. Back during a time when things were all right. But like I said, where they are going with this I don’t know.

This has been the main problem with the WWE for years. Story and angle wise for the most part things just make no sense.

Oh the one thing we do not need is more Legends. I like seeing them once in a while to show they still got it, but we don’t need more legends. If you want to do more Legends stuff then produce more Legends Roundtables on WWE Classics. That’s a show that should be updated monthly. TNA books itself around WWE legends and well look where it’s gotten them.

Looking at the page count I realize I have written a small book here so if you are anything like me, your attention span must be wearing thin by now so I’m gonna wrap things up with some bits and pieces of news.

The rumor going around about RAW’s new General Manager on Monday is that it will be former ECW personality and WWE developmental star Abraham Washington, of The Abraham Washington Show fame.
Credit to www.f4wonline.com

I might just delete RAW off the DVR if this happens. The Abraham Washington Show was some of the most uncomfortable television to ever sit through. Mostly because of the horrible writing and that was ECW. The horrible writing factor would go up ten fold on RAW. There’s a better rumor of Michael Cole becoming the new RAW GM to go with his new heel persona that he does brilliantly on NXT. See now that I would want to see. Abraham Washington doing his Obama gimmick with no Tony Atlas? I think I’ll pass.

WWE fired Carlito yesterday for an alleged Wellness Program violation and subsequent refusal to enter rehab. The report on WWE.com noted that his termination followed a first violation of the program. However, WWE sources indicate that Carlito did not fail a drug test but instead was fired after he arrived at Monday’s RAW in Toronto and management felt that he was unfit to perform. According to Dave Meltzer, everything went down on Monday and drug test results wouldn’t have been available at the time Carlito’s release was announced.
Credit to www.f4wonline.com

I was surprised this happened the other day because it finally looked like they were going to use Carlito for something. I’ve always been under the impression that Carlito despite his perceived attitude problems was always held down while he was on RAW. He could have been a much bigger star then he was. He was always fairly over with the crowds but the WWE like they do to a lot of people handcuffed him and he could never establish himself with anything other then the apple. Well I’m sure it’s no big loss for Carlito. He’s wanted to get out of the WWE for a couple of years now. I’m sure TNA will give him a deal when they can and he’ll probably be an X Division champion in six months time. Worse comes to worse he goes back to Puerto Rico and is the biggest star in his old man’s company WWC. All he needs is someone to be an Abdullah The Butcher for him and he’ll have steady work for the next 40 or 50 years.

Randy Savage’s marriage to longtime girlfriend Lynn Payne has an interesting back story. Savage and Payne actually met for the first time in 1974 at Lido Beach in Sarasota, FL. At the time, Savage was playing minor league baseball for the Tampa Tarpons and Payne was attending school at the Ringling School of Art and Design. They dated for two years before parting ways. After a near three-decade separation, the couple reunited in 2001.

Credit: Wrestling Globe Newsletter

Credit to TimBoylesPhotography.com

Congratulations to The Macho Man Randy Savage on his marriage. Savage has done what a lot of guys his age have not been able to and that’s stay clear of wrestling after retirement. Granted he would probably make a great commentator for some company, but I am glad that he has found true love again. The whole Randy/Elizabeth saga had as sad of an ending as it gets so to see he found his first love and they finally got together after all of these years it does give you hope especially to all the hopeless romantics out there.

So to The Macho Man and Lynn…Salute.

On that happy note I am done for this week. There’s some sort of PPV this weekend from the WWE. If Batista wins the WWE title I will be very very very VERY surprised. But until next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.

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- Yoshi Tatsu vs. Zack Ryder and John Morrison vs. Carlito was taped tonight for this coming Thursday night’s WWE Superstars.

- Airports in the UK may not be open for use on Tuesday like originally planned, which means the WWE RAW crew may be stuck for a bit longer. A new ash cloud from the volcano eruption is casing more problems. Airports in Scotland and other UK areas may open Tuesday and WWE might have to use other forms of transportation to get the crew from Ireland to where ever they can fly out of.

Triple H jokes and tells the crowd not to suck up to him because he’s the only RAW guy here. Triple H talks about the volcano erupting in Iceland and the travel issues around the world. Triple H with some comedy here. Triple H says the entire RAW roster is stuck in Europe. Triple H cuts a promo on Sheamus and their Extreme Rules match this coming Sunday. Triple H goes on when CM Punk’s music hits and out comes the Straight Edge Society.

CM Punk, Serena and Luke Gallows enter the ring. CM Punk says New Jersey sucks. He says with the Draft next week, he may no longer be a part of the SmackDown crew. Punk says if he comes to RAW, he’s bringing the Straight Edge Society with him. Triple H mocks them only having two members besides Punk. Triple H asks why doesn’t Punk have to shave his head like Serena and Gallows. Punk says he is the leader and asks why Triple H is questioning him. Punk says his hair is special, no foreign chemicals has ever touched his hair. Triple H says he must mean shampoo and soap. Triple H brings up Punk’s hair match against Rey Mysterio at Extreme Rules.

Punk says he is going to crush Rey at Extreme Rules and then, everyone else will fall in line. Punk says Triple H needs to let some straight edge into his heart. The crowd starts a “you suck” chant. Triple H says he doesn’t believe in what Punk believes in, he believes in freedom. Triple H goes around ringside with the fans and talks about one guy being able to buy as much beer as he wants because he’s free. Triple H finds two older guys sitting together and jokes about them being gay together. Triple H points out Lilian Garcia at ringside and says if she wants to come back to WWE for just one night to “horse around”, she can do it. Triple H says that’s the beauty of a free country – people can do as they choose. Triple H says if he wants to beat the crap out of Punk, he can. Punk says he doesn’t want to be here tonight. He thought he could come out here and Triple H would want to be a part of something big. Punk thought Triple H would shave his hair and join the Straight Edge Society. Punk says he’s not asking, he’s telling. Gallows attacks Triple H but he fights them off and goes for a Pedigree. Punk stops the Pedigree with a kick to the head and they start beating down Triple H. Serena even gets some shots in. Punk hits Triple H with a series of shots while Gallows grabs a chair. Serena grabs some clippers and they go to shave Triple H’s head. Rey Mysterio’s music hits and out he comes. He takes out Gallows and Punk. Triple H gets up and they send Gallows to the floor. Rey grabs the clippers now. Punk turns around to a right hand from Triple H. Triple H holds Punk while Rey shaves a little bit of Punk’s hair off. Punk flees from the ring and heads up the ramp with Serena and Gallows. Rey holds up Punk’s hair in the ring as we go to replays.

- Cole plugs tonight’s hosts, the cast of MacGruber. Lawler says we will hear from John Cena via satellite next. We go to commercial.

Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

Back from the break and Matt Hardy is already in the ring with the WWE Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre. The bell rings and Hardy goes to work on Drew. Hardy hits a neckbreaker and clotheslines Drew over to the floor. Hardy comes after him and continues the offense.

Drew kicks Hardy in the gut and then back into the steel steps. They bring it back in the ring with Drew in control. Hardy counters with a side effect and a 2 count on Drew. Hardy with another neckbreaker and a 2 count. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate but Drew counters and goes for his DDT. Hardy counters it and they go back and forth some more. They collide and both go down. Drew pulls Hardy off the top rope, causing him to hit his head on the mat. Drew gets the pinfall for the win.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

- We go to ringside with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. They show us a satellite video of WWE Champion John Cena from Belfast, Ireland. Cena apologizes for he and the RAW crew not being able to be there tonight. Cole asks about Extreme Rules. Cena says he is ready for Extreme Rules regardless. Cena talks about Batista and says he will be the last one standing and be the WWE Champion on Sunday. We go to commercial.

- Back from the break and we get a replay from last week of Vladimir Kozlov talking about the cast of MacGruber. Kozlov is in the ring now. He tells Jerry Lawler to come in the ring and read a statement he has. Kozlov’s statement says he is protesting the unfair treatment he has received from the RAW hosts. He says he is an elite athlete who deserves elite competition. Kozlov says they are all spoiled Americans. Lawler reads Kozlov’s statement that starts ripping on the people of New Jersey. Kozlov takes the mic back and says he wants proper competition. The MacGruber theme plays on the big screen and out comes two of the characters from the movie. The MacGruber guy is holding a large American flag and the Vickie character is holding a smaller one. Vickie says that Chris Jericho will team with CM Punk and Luke Gallows to take on Edge, Triple H and Rey Mysterio tonight. MacGruber defends the state of New Jersey. MacGruber insults Kozlov. Kozlov threatens him if he insults him again. MacGruber starts ripping on Kozlov’s mother and her uterus. Kozlov says he won’t et angry, he will just destroy MacGruber later tonight. MacGruber informs Kozlov he will be wrestling R-Truth tonight. Out comes Truth rapping. MacGruber talks about rigging the building with explosives. He and Truth exchange “what’s ups” when a huge explosion comes from the stage. R-Truth has just been blown up. All we see is Truth’s shoes smoking. Kozlov tells MacGruber he will see him later tonight and will destroy him. MacGruber seems scared now. Kozlov’s music hits and he heads to the back as MacGruber and Vickie look on.

- Lawler says we will hear from Randy Orton via video after this next commercial. Back to break we go.

- Back from the break and we see MacGruber struggling to get out of an exit door. Triple H walks in. He points out that MacGruber has pissed in his pants. MacGruber says it’s just water. MacGruber is nervous about his match with Kozlov tonight. MacGruber says a friend of his actually pissed his pants and MacGruber volunteered to wear his friend’s piss pants, being a good friend and all. Kane walks in. MacGruber says that’s his friend. Blah. MacGruber walks off to end this segment finally.

- Lawler and Cole talk about Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger at the Extreme Rules pay-per-view. We go to Randy Orton on video from Belfast, Ireland. Orton says wherever he ends up in the Draft is where the World Title will be at because he’s winning at Extreme Rules. We see Jack Swagger walking backstage as we go to commercial.

- Back from the break and out comes the World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger. Swagger tells Randy Orton that talk is cheap when you’re 3,000 miles away. Swagger says if Orton was here tonight, he would show him. Swagger calls for a referee and tells Orton he better be paying attention. Swagger issues an open challenge as the referee comes down. Nobody comes to accept Swagger’s challenge until the lights go out and here comes The Undertaker.

Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker

Undertaker makes his way out to the ring to a nice pop. Swagger stands at ringside looking a bit worried. The bell rings and they lock up. Swagger strikes first. They go back and forth until Taker hits Old School on Swagger. Swagger turns it around and starts stomping on Taker. They go to the floor. Taker uses the steps on Swagger. Taker goes to throw Swagger into the steps but Swagger reverses it and throws Taker’s knees into them. Swagger gets back in the ring.

Taker comes back in the ring but Swagger keeps control of the match. Taker sends Swagger through the ropes and back out to the floor. Taker lays Swagger on the apron and hits the big running leg drop. Taker continues with the offense and gets a 2 count as we go to commercial.

Back from the break and Swagger is working a submission on Taker. They go back and forth on the mat. Swagger starts dropping elbows on Taker’s leg. Another submission on the leg by Swagger. Taker counters and kicks Swagger out to the floor. Swagger pulls Taker down and uses the ring post on his knees. They come back in the ring and Swagger gets a 2 count. Taker and Swagger trade right hands now on their feet. Taker gets the upper hand until Swagger goes back to his legs. Taker hits a big DDT on Swagger for a 2 count.

Taker hits Snake Eyes and a big boot on Swagger. Taker with the leg drop for another 2 count. Taker goes for the chokeslam but Swagger fights him off. Swagger runs the ropes but gets hit by another big boot from Taker. Swagger counters Taker but hits a sloppy DDT. 2 count by Swagger. Swagger goes back to stomping on Taker’s knee. Swagger goes for the big splash out of the corner but Taker grabs him for a chokeslam and hits it out of nowhere. Taker is noticeably favoring his knee here. Taker hits the Tombstone on Swagger for the pinfall and the win.

Winner: The Undertaker

- Taker poses in the ring as Lawler and Cole plug tonight’s main event. We go back to commercial.

- Back from commercial and we get the trailer for MacGruber featuring several WWE stars.

- We go backstage with Chris Jericho and the Straight Edge Society. Punk is wearing a towel on his head. Jericho says if they stick to his plan tonight, everything will go just fine. Jericho walks off and sees Vickie and MacGruber from the movie. They say he was the best part of the movie. Jericho says the directors are looking to do a sequel with him in the title role. Jericho sings his own theme song for the movie. MacGruber asks Jericho for advice on his match with Kozlov tonight. Jericho tells MacGruber to go in the ring and shake Kozlov’s hand but smack him in the face. MacGruber hugs Jericho and thanks him for the advice. Vickie and Jericho flirt before they walk off. We go to commercial.

Vladimir Kozlov vs. MacGruber and Khaluber

Back from the break and Vladimir Kozlov is in the ring waiting. We see a replay from earlier where R-Truth was accidentally blown up by MacGruber. Out comes Vickie and MacGruber from the movie. They come face to face. MacGruber extends his hand but smacks Kozlov. Kozlov grabs him and starts hitting him with headbutts to the chest. Kozlov lifts MacGruber up but actor Ryan Philippe comes out and stops things. He says he got this match changed to a handicap match and introduces MacGruber’s partner… Khaluber. It’s The Great Khali in a blonde wig. Khali comes down and goes at it with Kozlov. Khali works Kozlov over until Kozlov fights back. Vladimir comes off the ropes and gets decked by a big chop from Khali. Kozlov goes to the ramp holding his head. Khali comes after him and they’re both counted out as they head to the back. MacGruber and Khaluber are announced as the winners by countout.

Winners: MacGruber and Khaluber

- After the match, MacGruber celebrates in the ring with Vickie and Ryan Phillipe. MacGruber talks about how good the United States is and plugs the movie. We go to commercial.

Triple H, Edge and Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Chris Jericho

Out first for tonight’s main event comes Triple H. He enters the ring and Sheamus appears on the big screen from Belfast, Ireland. Sheamus says Triple H missed the attack on Kofi Kingston last week so he’s going to repeat it for him. Sheamus kicks a WWE crew member in the head and starts stomping on him. We go to commercial.

Back from commercial and out comes Triple H’s partners Edge followed by Rey Mysterio. Out next comes Serena, CM Punk and Luke Gallows followed by Chris Jericho. Jericho starts the match out with Mysterio. The bell rings and Jericho strikes first. Rey goes for a 619 early on but Jericho slides out to the floor. Triple H dumps Rey over the top rope onto Gallows, Punk and Jericho as we go to commercial.

Back from the break and Punk goes at it with Mysterio. Gallows comes in and then comes Jericho back in. Rey fights back with kicks to Jericho. Jericho catapults Rey into the corner. Rey comes back again and hits a moonsault for a 2 count. Edge and Gallows are tagged in. Edge with a big boot and a shoulder off the ropes. Edge counters Gallows and drops him with a DDT. Edge goes to spear Gallows but Serena gets on the apron and distracts the ref. Jericho knocks Edge off the apron before Triple H comes to make the save. Edge is selling the ankle injury now. Punk is tagged in now and goes to work on Edge’s leg. Jericho and Punk are tagged in and out with the focus still on Edge’s ankle. Gallows comes back in but Edge fights him off and tags in HHH. Punk is also tagged in. Triple H unloads with clotheslines and the usual for a 2 count. Triple H hits the spinebuster.

Triple H goes for the Pedigree but Gallows makes the save. Everyone comes in and Jericho ends up on the floor. Rey hits 619 on Punk. Triple H grabs Punk and hits the Pedigree for the pinfall and the win.

Winners: Triple H, Edge and Rey Mysterio

- Triple H, Edge and Rey Mysterio pose for the fans as RAW goes off the air.

- Intriguing statement made by Brock Lesnar regarding WWE earlier this week. I don’t think that anyone should expect Lesnar to competitively step back in a WWE ring while he is still competing in UFC and if did it would surprise me. I can see Lesnar easily pulling off a Guest Host shot on Raw around the time that Brock’s book comes out which I assume is later in 2010. After Brock calls it a career in UFC, which I also don’t see for a while, it’s within the realm of possibility that he could do a ‘one off’ bout in WWE likely at a Wrestlemania. This is not likely, in my opinion, for a few years so let’s not start the dialog about Atlanta and who Lesnar ‘might’ wrestle in the Georgia Dome. That’s just not going to happen in my eyes.

- A friend told me recently that former WWE Diva Maria’s new CD was excellent and that Maria was so dedicated to her music career that she financed the project herself. I admire that dedication and encourage all fans to check out Maria’s work which, I think, is available on ITunes. Maria is a wonderful spirit and I really enjoy her work on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Any one who can spend time with Donald Trump comes out the better for it. I have always found Donald to be a helluva guy with amazing perception and vision and it’s obvious that he’s a brilliant man. One terrific marketer and promoter.

- For those wondering, SmackDown will be replaced by back-to-back repeats of Monk this Fall when it leaves MyNetworkTV.

- This past Tuesday’s episode of WWE NXT on SyFy scored a 1.01 cable rating, averaging 1.282 million viewers.

- WWE’s website has announced that Ezekiel Jackson underwent surgery on his quadriceps yesterday in Alabama with Dr. James Andrews. Jackson is expected to be out of action for 3-6 months.

- WWE is looking to get Tiger Woods to host the June 7th Monday Night RAW from Miami. Considering all of Tiger’s recent troubles, it’s highly unlikely WWE will get him to host. It was previously reported that WWE wanted The Rock to host the RAW from Miami.

The Torch is reporting that the highest rated quarter hour of the show came in at a 0.97 and was actually the “overrun” at the end of the show. It should be noted, however, that the overrun only lasted a minute or two and thus does not represent a true 15 minute (“quarter hour”) segment.

For comparison’s sake, RAW did a 3.2 rating. Its first hour scored a 3.0 rating and its second hour scored a 3.4 rating.

Check out the full ratings scorecard in TNAStars.com’s Monday Night Ratings War section!

We are live on tape from London, England and your announcers are Jerry ‘I will not abdicate my throne’ Lawler and Michael ‘Why is Captain Harkness looking at me like that’ Cole.

‘Hoff’ is flashing on the TitanTron so the Druidettes come out and KITT comes out and David Hasselhoff comes out. The Druidettes are some local females as they take off their robes. David says that it is an honor to be here. Hoff says that he feels Hoffsome about tonight. He says that the Hoff has finally come back to Monday Night Raw. He says that he has heard the cries from the WWE Universe that they love Raw, but there is not enough Hoff. He says that he knows how to throw a party that you will never forget or never remember. He says that he will pay homage to the most watched show in the world. There will be a match to honor Baywatch. There will be a Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag team match. He says that he was watching Smackdown the other night and he says that there is no number one contender for the World Title. If you beat the champion twice, you should get a match. At Extreme Rules, Jack Swagger will defend his title against Randy Orton. Hoff gets serious and he says that the two number one contenders are in the building and they will be facing each other (even though the match was given away by Lawler as the show started). We will start with a Divas Title match.

Match Number One: Eve Torres versus Maryse for the Divas Title

Maryse slaps Eve and then they each grab some hair. Maryse goes to the floor and Eve goes out after her. Maryse with another slap and then she sends Eve into the apron. Maryse rolls Eve back into the ring and then Eve with forearms to Maryse followed by an Irish whip but she runs into an elbow. Eve with a kick to Maryse and then she hits a neck breaker. Eve goes to the turnbuckles and misses a moonsault and both ladies are down. Maryse with more slaps to Eve and then she sets for the DDT but Eve blocks it and gets the three count with a rollup and bridge.
Winner: Eve

Big Show and Miz are walking in the back as we go to commercial.

We are back with the Double Down Showdown: John Cena being screwed by his second tag team partner last week.

The Miz and Big Show come to the ring. Show says that he has something to say before Miz’ big announcement. Show says that he was skeptical at first about whether they would work well as a team. After Wrestlemania and last week, they can be special as a team. Miz says that he cannot believe that a man so big has a small ego. Miz says that it is safe to say that the Shiz is the greatest tag team in WWE history. Miz cannot believe that people booed that comment. Miz wants to know who is better than them. Miz says that nobody in the crowd has any credibility.

Miz is interrupted by Bret Hart’s music and he comes to the ring. Bret says that they call themselves the greatest tag team of all time, but he can name two teams way better than the Shiz. First, the Hart Foundation, voted the greatest tag team of all time in the WWE. Bret also mentions the British Bulldogs. Those were teams that were great for years, not a few months.

Miz says that Hasselhoff isn’t the only 90s icon who is delusional. Miz says that if we were in his era, he would put Bret in a Sharpshooter faster than Bret could put a pair of sunglasses on a fat kid at ringside. Miz says that he likes the British Bulldogs, but he would have no trouble slapping the British Bulldogs in their little British faces. Show suggests that Bret leave, but Bret says that there is a tag team that he knows that can beat the Shiz.

The Hart Dynasty comes to the ring.

Miz says that they are not champions so they can’t go from show to show like the champions.

Bret reminds everyone that he wrestled David’s father in one of the greatest matches of all time.

Miz wonders how that affects them.

David says that his father is watching this match tonight and that is why he is making a challenge. He challenges the Miz to a match tonight. Smith says that if they win, they get a Unified Tag Title Match at Extreme Rules.

Show and Miz think about it and Miz says that Show thinks it is a mistake while Miz says that he likes the opportunity. Miz says that he wants to add a condition, that when he wins, Bret Hart will declare on Raw next week that the Shiz is the greatest tag team of all time.

The Harts huddle up and they agree.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Two: The Miz with Big Show versus David Hart Smith with Tyson Kidd and Natalya

Smith with a rollup for a near fall as the match is joined in progress. Smith with a waist lock and take down as Miz tries to escape. Smith with another take down as Miz gets to his feet again. Miz with an elbow to get out of the hold but Smith with a running shoulder and kicks in the corner. Smith with an Irish whip but he runs into a knee. Smith with a back body drop to Miz and then he punches Smith. Natalya slaps Miz as the referee is out of position. Smith sets for an hits a delayed vertical suplex in a vintage tribute to his father. Smith gets a near fall. Miz kicks Smith in the knees as he follows Show’s advice. Miz runs Smith into the turnbuckles and then he goes up top for a double sledge and he gets a near fall. Miz with forearms to the head and then he puts Smith in a rear chin lock. Smith gets Miz on his shoulders and he runs Miz into the turnbuckles. Smith sends Miz across the ring and then he punches Miz but Miz with a kick and punches. Smith with a clothesline and running shoulder tackle and another clothesline. Smith with a power slam for a near fall. We get a near fall from an inside cradle by the Miz but Smith with a belly-to-belly suplex for a near fall. Smith misses a charge into the corner and then Miz with the running clothesline into the corner. Miz goes back up top but Smith with a big boot and Miz is down. Smith sets for the Sharpshooter. Show gets to the apron and Smith releases the hold and Smith drop kicks Show. Kidd comes off the apron and Show punches Kidd. Show pushes Kidd into the ring and the referee looks at Kidd and then Show punches Smith and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the three count.
Winner: The Miz

Show and Miz celebrate in the ring as we go to commercial.

We are back and it is time to take a look back at the job that David Otunga did as guest host last week.

We are back and Batista is with David Otunga in the back. They talk about what Batista did to Cena and Otunga says that he thought he broke Cena’s neck. They talk about Batista’s match with Orton tonight. Batista tells Otunga to get him a cup of coffee. Otunga says that Batista almost had him and then he says that since he was going to get a cup of coffee so he will get Batista one.

Hasselhoff and the Bellas say hello to Otunga and he wants to know if Otunga wonders why he is here tonight. Otunga suggests that maybe he can be the Hoff’s adopted grandson. Hasselhoff has a Hasselcough and says that he was invited by John Cena. Hasselhoff asks KITT how long the match will be and then he says goodbye to ‘The D List’.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Three: Evan Bourne versus Carlito

They lock up and Carlito with a knee and punch before sending Bourne into the turnbuckles. Carlito with an Irish whip but Bourne moves when Carlito charges into the corner. Bourne with a head scissors but Bourne has a kick blocked and Carlito with a front face driver. Carlito kicks Bourne and gets a near fall. Carlito with a rear chin lock but Bourne with kicks to get out of the hold. Carlito with a boot to the head as Bourne comes off the ropes and Carlito gets a near fall. Carlito with a belly-to-back suplex for a near fall. Carlito with punches and kicks in the corner and the referee pulls Carlito out. Bourne with kicks to the leg and one to the ribs. Carlito misses the springboard back elbow but Bourne does not miss the head scissors and then he hits a running drop kick into the corner for a near fall. Carlito hip tosses Bourne into the turnbuckles. Bourne is put on the turnbuckle and Carlito misses the lungblower and Bourne stays on top and hits the Shooting Star Press for the three count.
Winner: Evan Bourne

We go to commercial as we prepare for David Otunga’s match against John Cena.

We are back and did you know that on the day of Wrestlemania, that was the number one search term on Google.

Match Number Four: John Cena versus David Otunga in a Non Title [non sanctioned by NXT] Match

Cena with a take down and he puts Otunga in a reverse chin lock. Cena works on the wrist and Otunga gets to his feet. Cena with a full nelson and snap mare into a reverse chin lock. Cena with a top wrist and take down for a near fall. They lock up in a Greco Roman Knuckle Lock and Cena with a kick and punches. Cena with more punches and Otunga goes down. Cena with a suplex or two. Cena pushes Otunga to the side and wants Batista to come to the ring. Cena realizes that his match is still going on and he hits a clothesline and then he puts Otunga in the STF and Otunga taps like an A Lister.
Winner: John Cena

After the match, Cena wants Batista to come to the ring and Batista removes his vest, shirt, and undershirt before walking to the ring. He stops after a few steps and he wants his spotlight.

The crowd chants ‘You Tapped Out’ at Batista

We go to commercial.

We are back with the Slam of the Week: Sheamus’ attack on Kofi with the Yet Unnamed Pipe before Triple H made his way to the ring for the return of the GameHammer.

Sheamus comes to the ring and he has something to say. He says last week Triple H said that he made a mistake bringing a pipe to a sledgehammer fight. Sheamus says that he did not make a mistake because he made Triple H tip his hand because he only brings out the sledgehammer when he cannot beat someone. Sheamus says that it is official and at Extreme Rules, it will be a Street Fight. Sheamus says that he grew up in the streets in Dublin. It is tougher than any city in the US or in this fallen empire. Sheamus tells Hunter that by showing up at Extreme Rules, he will be making a mistake. He says that it will be a mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life.

Kofi Kingston comes out and he has something to say. Kofi says that it is funny that Sheamus would come out here and talk about mistakes. Kofi says that if Sheamus thought that he would get away with what he did last week without him doing anything, he is sorely mistaken. Kofi says that he talked to David Hasselhoff and he will get some payback because they will have a match tonight.

Match Number Five: Sheamus versus Kofi Kingston

They lock up and Sheamus sends Kofi into the corner. Sheamus gets kicked by Kofi but Sheamus with a kick of his own and a side head lock. Kofi with forearms but Sheamus with a shoulder tackle. Kofi with kicks to Sheamus and then Sheamus yells at the referee. Kofi with kicks and a drop kick and then Kofi drops down and Sheamus goes through the ropes. Kofi goes to the apron but Sheamus returns to the ring. Kofi blocks a shot into the ring post and Kofi goes up top and hits a missile drop kick for a near fall. Sheamus with a double forearm to Kofi and both men are down. Kofi goes to the apron and Sheamus with a running knee lift and Kofi goes to the floor. Sheamus sends Kofi into the apron and then he connects with a forearm to the back. Sheamus gets a near fall and then he goes to an arm bar and cross face. Kofi with a punch but Sheamus with a power slam for a near fall. Sheamus with an elbow to the back of the head and then he tries to suplex Kofi to the floor but Kofi blocks it and then he kicks Sheamus. Sheamus with a forearm and he returns to the ring. Kofi with kicks to Sheamus as he avoids punches from Sheamus. Kofi with another drop kick and then he hits the leaping clothesline. Kofi with the Boom drop and sets for Trouble in Paradise but instead he leaps into the corner and connects with punches. Sheamus misses the pump kick but Kofi does not miss Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus gets his hand on the rope to stop the count. They go to the announce table and Sheamus hits Kofi with the monitor in the ribs and the head and the referee calls for the bell.
Winner: Kofi Kingston by disqualification

After the match, Sheamus picks up Kofi and runs him into the ring post. Sheamus picks up Kofi again and runs him abdomen first into the ring post. While Kofi hangs from the apron, Sheamus with a boot to the head. The referee tells Sheamus to stop the attack. Sheamus says that is what he is going to do to Triple H as he holds Kofi’s head up after the attack.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Carlito is looking for Hasselhoff for a rematch. Kozlov says that he hasn’t been given a match on Raw. Carlito says the guest hosts don’t care about the guys, they only care about themselves. Carlito says that if he doesn’t go to Smackdown, he will quit. They wonder who the guest host is next week and they say it is the cast of MacGruber. Kozlov says next week, he gets what he wants or he will destroy MacGruber.

It is time to run through the card for Extreme Rules.

Randy Orton is in the back with Josh Mathews and Josh asks Randy about his title match against Jack Swagger. Randy looks at Josh and then he says that Extreme Rules means that there are no rules and he is perfectly fine with that. Randy says that he has sent over a dozen people to the hospital, but that was by playing by the rules. He says that Swagger winning Money in the Bank is a double edged sword. He says that his plans at the pay per view are business, but tonight against Batista it is completely different. Randy says that is something that he has been looking forward to for a long time.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Six: The Bella Twins versus Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim versus Rosa Mendes and Jillian Hall in a Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Match with Guest Lifeguard David Hasselhoff and Guest Referee Santino Marella

Kelly and Jillian start things off and Jillian pushes Kelly but Kelly pushes back. Kelly lands on her feet when she is flipped and then Kelly with a head scissors. Brie tags in and hits a drop kick on Jillian for a near fall. Rosa pulls Brie’s hair and Jillian gets her up and hits a Samoan drop for a near fall. Rosa tags in and she kicks Brie. Rosa with a suplex and a near fall. Rosa tries for a slam but Brie with a rollup for a near fall. Jillian breaks up the cover and then Gail with a clothesline to Jillian. Nikki switches and gets the three count on an inside cradle.
Winners: The Bella Twins

After the match, Jillian argues with Santino and she pushes him and he swallows his whistle. Santino collapses and someone needs to help him. Hornswoggle comes from his duties at the kiddie pool and does CPR and then does a frog splash to get the whistle out. Hornswoggle and Santino hug in the ring.

Batista is walking in the back as we go to commercial.

We are back and it is time to look at a video of the WWE European tour.

Match Number Seven: Randy Orton versus Batista

They stare at each other as the bell rings and then they back off. They lock up and Batista with a clean break. Batista with another clean break on Orton. Orton with a side head lock and a drop toe hold as Batista gets to the ropes. They lock up again and Orton with another side head lock but Batista picks up Orton and carries him to the ropes and Batista pushes Orton and Orton pushes back and punches Batista and Batista goes to the floor and he attacks the ring steps. Orton with a back breaker and then it is time for the Garvin Stomp. Orton misses the knee drop and Orton goes to the floor after being sent into the ring post as we go to commercial.

We are back and Batista with an arm bar. Batista with a running clothesline into the corner and Orton goes down. Batista with a forearm to Orton’s head and the referee warns Batista. Batista breaks the count and then he returns to the floor and kicks Orton in the head. Batista gets a near fall. Batista with a front face lock. Orton with a European uppercut but Batista with a clothesline and Orton goes down again. Batista rips off the protective cover to the announce table and then he rearranges things before pulling Orton out of the ring. Orton sends Batista into the announce table. Batista returns to the ring and the referee continues his count. Batista with a kick to the head as Orton returns to the ring. Batista with a kick to the head and he gets a near fall. Batista waits for Orton to get up for the spear but Orton with a kick to the head and then he sends Batista into the ring post. Orton and Batista exchange punches and the crowd responds accordingly. Batista with an Irish whip but Orton with a knee and clotheslines. Batista with a kick to the head and then he tries for a power slam but Orton escapes and he hits a power slam of his own. Orton twists to the mat and he does some push ups before the RKO. Orton thinks about it and he tries for the free kick but Batista goes to the floor. They fight on the floor and Batista sends Orton back into the ring and Orton with a kick as Batista returns to the ring and Orton with the IEDDT for a near fall. Orton with another twisting fall to the mat as we get more push ups and he tries for the RKO but Batista pushes him off and Batista hits the spinebuster. Batista shakes the ropes and gives the thumbs down. Orton with an RKO and before he can make the cover, Swagger comes to the ring and the referee calls for the bell.
Winner: Randy Orton by disqualification

After the match, Swagger hits a Doctor Bomb on Orton and then he leaves the ring.

Swagger poses outside the ring and John Cena knocks Swagger down before getting into the ring to put Batista in the STF. All of the referees eventually pull Cena off Batista and then Cena stands over Batista as we go to credits.

TNA President Dixie Carter announced via her twitter account that TNA iMPACT is permanently moving to 8PM (Eastern). iMPACT will remain 2 hours, but starting next week – the show will have a 1-hour lead-in to WWE RAW and will only go head-to-head with the first hour of RAW.

This week’s iMPACT was a test run to see how the show would do starting an hour earlier and the ratings were enough to convince TNA that a permanent shift is a good move. Monday’s iMPACT did a 0.85 rating, with the first unopposed hour drawing a 0.91 and the second hour, which went head-to-head with RAW, drew a 0.79.

Carter also announced on Twitter that SpikeTV will be adding a replay of iMPACT to its weekly schedule The replay will air Thursday nights at 9PM (Eastern), iMPACT’s old timeslot.

TNA iMPACT did an 0.9 cable rating with an average of 1.2 million viewers. The first hour did an 0.9 while the second hour did an 0.78, minus the over-run that did a 1.0 rating, rounded up from an 0.97

TNA’s highest-rated quarter-hour segment came in quarter two with Jeff Hardy saving RVD, Robert Roode attacking Hardy, Christy Hemme interviewing the Knockouts, Rob Terry vs. Homicide and the start of the Knockouts Lockbox Challenge. That segment did an 0.98 rating.

TNA’s second highest-rated quarter came at the end of the show where the Knockouts opened the lockboxes. That quarter-hour segment scored an 0.97 rating.

- WWE has announced that the June 7th RAW will be a three-hour show on the USA Network, airing at 8pm. RAW that night will take place from Miami, Florida.