“Never let a kiss fool you, never let a fool kiss you.” – advice to Trish

“Well people in Canada need to get used to disappointment, look where they live.”

“The future father of the year – Kane.”

“They gave Eugene an IQ test and the results were negative.”

“In bizarro land, Eugene could be King.”

“Eugene wasn’t even his mothers favorite and he’s an only child.”

“Eugene couldn’t even tell you what a silver dollar is made out of.”

“Eugene’s probably sitting at home watching the radio right now.”

“How does he know what all these fans are thinking? One guy’s thinking “Why did I wear this stupid shirt to Raw?”

“Oh no, holy interruptions.” – after Hurricane is the fifth person in a row to interrupt McMahon

“I’ve seen better looking faces on a pirates flag. Look at Snitsky, that evil look.”

“Get out Tomko, you’re causing more problems than you’re solving.”

“You know me, I love anything royal.” – after a Royal Rumble plug

“Tattoos used to be a poor mans way of investing in art but now Tyson Tomko has taken it to a new level.”

“They say travel broadens a person, well from the looks of him, Viscera’s been all over the world. How wide is he?”

“You said earlier, it’s gonna get ugly. At least, it got ugly for these guys when they were both born. Kane, Snitsky; one on one inside a steel cage.”

“There’s alot of signs here tonight at Penn State. The art department’s been working overtime.”

“I’ve been crazy about girls ever since I found out I wasn’t one.”

“Hassan’s head is getting too big for his towel.”

“They’re not gonna be just falling off the ladder JR, they’re gonna be thrown off the ladder, they’re gonna be hit over the head with a ladder. That’s why I don’t like ladder matches. I hate having to hit my head on anything other than a headboard.”

“I think he’s lying through his tooth.” – on Chris Benoit

“Her with all those curves and me with no brakes.” – on Christy Hemme

“Oklahoma, home of Jim Ross … where all the toilets come with drinking straws.”

To El Unico: “Look at you! You’re still wet from swimming across the Rio Grande.”

“Oklahoma: 200 people – one mind!”

“I just saw this guy getting a drink of water … then the seat fell on his head!”

“The Milwaukee Brewers! I think the name speaks for itself … they’re all drunk!”

To a fan: “Nice to see you off the streets for a change.”

Regarding the ECW Arena: “This building oughta be made out of toilet paper…because there’s nothing in it but shit!”

“McMahon, you don’t know anything about music. Your favorite rock group is Mount Rushmore.”

“Andy Kaufman’s mum wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and … well, let’s just say that they’re both satisfied.” “I heard that the doctor had to take a needle and drain the fluid from Tommy Dreamer’s testicles. Ya know how I know that’s a lie? Because Dreamer, you don’t have any balls!”

“I had a nightmare that Sunny was my mother … and I was a bottle baby!”

Vince McMahon: “If Owen Hart keeps this sleeper on long enough, it’ll cut off all of the oxygen flow to Ahmed’s brain, and he would lose consciousness.”
Jerry Lawler: “Brain? What brain?”

“The Godwinns smell so bad, the paperboy doesn’t deliver the paper. Instead, he just calls and tells them the news!”

“Jose Lothario – the walking liver spot!”

“When Mankind was born, the doctor took one look at his face, and one look at his rear end and said ‘My God, Siamese twins!’”

“I don’t know what the 7 wonders of the world are…..but I know Sunny’s got 2 of them.”

“I couldn’t warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were creamated together.”

Vince McMahon: “Jim, do you know anything about America Online?”
Jim Ross: “No, I’m not exactly computer literate.”
Jerry Lawler: “Ross, you’re a big speedbump on the information superhighway.”

“The reason why Disneyland failed in Japan is because no one could ride the rides. Do y’know why? No one over there is over four feet tall!”

To Taka Michinoku:”The only reason why you’re here is because your home country is over crowded. Did you know in Japan a woman gives birth every 4 seconds? Now I gotta go over there and find that woman and put a stop to this.”

“I knew when I saw toilet paper hanging out to dry that I was in Philadelphia.”

Regarding Philadelphia: “Let me put it this way. If anyone ever wanted to give the world an enema, that’s where you would stick the nozzle”

Vince McMahon: “King, what do you think of the Mississippi/Alabama area?”

Jerry Lawler: “Oh, I love it. About 6 million people … with ten last names.”

“Look at her face! It’s people like you that turn men into … well … people like Goldust.”

“If the Huckster and The Nacho Man could have a geriatric match, a think we could get Stu Hart and Jose Lothario out here and have a Jurassic park match?”

“Double J is a promising young singer. I just wish he’d promise to stop singing.”

“You know why puppies have wet noses? Because I lick’em!”

Jerry Lawler: “Our announcing table is wrecked!”
Jim Ross: “And we’re not even Spanish!”

“I asked for puppies, not a dog.” – Referring to Nicole Bass

“Not much upstairs, but what a staircase!” – Referring to Debra

“She’s not your type! She’s not inflatable.” – On Michael Cole’s preference of the ladies

“Hey your proctologist called, they found your head!”

“I understand that Marlena likes to talk to Goldust during sex, and last night she called him from a hotel.”

Badass: “The next time I see Shamrock, I’m gonna kick his ass!”
Lawler: “Well, you saw him a few minutes ago, and you did nothing!”

Vince: “Jesse James wrestles as well as he sings, Mr. Lawler.”
Lawler: “Well, then that leaves nothing but this guy ain’t gonna get anywhere.”

“I heard the Godwinns were at the mall and the power went out so they got stuck on the escalator for 2 hours.”

“I heard that Max Minnie tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb.”

“Do unto others what ever you think is funny!”